"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matt 14:28-31
i think our cell had a somewhat "walking on water" experience during the Christmas party with the PRC students yesterday. we only found out on the 16th that we had to host them on eve and Christmas, which gave us about a week to plan a Christmas programme for 37 PRC students whom we'd never met before, and who had only just arrived in SG in the past week.
praise God for the unity within the cell group, and for everyone's willingness to serve. it was really "Go" from the moment we heard the "Come", and i was very encouraged by the obedience which everyone displayed. like Peter, our faith grew through this experience, because we learnt that it is when we are on water, when we are doing things that are supernatural and impossible within our own means, that we grow in our dependence on God's power and grace.
sharon told us to be very intentional in befriending them and sharing with them about Jesus, and so i found myself doing 3 things that i am not good at/uncomfortable with during this event: befriending a large group of strangers, speaking in Chinese, and sharing the gospel. it was pushing me way out of my comfort zone, but at the end of it, i am glad for it because it was the right thing to do. i have been in the boat for too long, when the place for Christian living is really on the water.
my heart for the PRCs really melted during the small group time, when we asked them about what Christmas meant to them and shared with them the real Christmas story. they asked so many questions and they were so eager to know more about Jesus. their ignorance pained me, and i say "ignorance" with no sense of disdain or judgement, just that that was the overwhelming sense i got from all the questions and their listening looks. i think it was then, when i was sharing with them about God's love shown through Jesus, that i realised again how much i lost when i gave up my cell girls, when i decided i couldn't continue being a cell leader. the whole set-up reminded me of those days when i took them for cell, and i know again that it was, and it has always always been, a privilege to serve. it is always a privilege to serve.
sometimes i feel like there are so many people to care for, and i don't want to take on more because i cannot give anymore of myself. but seeing the PRCs, and remembering my ex-cell members, i cannot help but ache for them, and long to make space in this crowded heart for them.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
thanksgiving
the first sem of nie is coming to an end, and all i can say is - praise God for a wonderful journey with Him.
met YF and LL for fellowship on Mon. YF commented that the past few months had really been a great experience for her spiritually, because staying in hall gave her the freedom to read her bible and play christian songs anytime she wanted. it also gave her more opportunities to come into contact with christians and talk about spiritual issues, as opposed to when she was staying at home. that statement made me realise how blessed i am, and made me appreciate the christian support i'd been having even more. so here's my list of thanksgiving to God:
1. i thank God for niecu and for marc's faithful preaching each week. thank God also for marc's hospitality in inviting us to his house and for his patience in answering whatever questions we brought up during cg.
2. i thank God for christian friends in almost all of my modules, gesl included. it's an encouragement to me that there are others in the education service who believe with me that building up lives for God is important, and that we serve a Master beyond moe. it's also a good reminder to me to do my work properly and have the right attitude in class, so that i can be an encouragement to them.
3. i thank God for YF and LL, and for their hospitality every week. i thank God for sisters in Christ who trust me enough to be honest with me, and with whom i can be honest. their sharings of struggles and victories have really been very encouraging, and it reminds me that when we share our testimonies and speak God's word to each other, we build each others' faith up.
4. i thank God for Mel and BX and Char, for the way they keep meeting up with me and contacting me. they remind me that every relationship is an investment of time and effort, and i have been very blessed by their efforts to keep our friendships going.
5. i thank God for K. i thank God for this relationship that i do not deserve, for the sweetness and craziness in all the times spent with K, and for someone who makes me realise my blindspots so that i can change. it's a precious thing to be able to go through happy times and low times together with someone. and it has been sweetness beyond imagination. he is really the most loving boyfriend ever (:
speaking of sweetness, i am reminded of the "Winnie the Pooh" movie and how Pooh tried to Christopher-Robin himself into not thinking about honey. i think that was probably the part that spoke the most to me. because i am such a pooh-bearish addict to honey.
Lord, You are sweeter than all the honey of the earth. thank You for Your word that brings life, and for Your grace that meets me in my weaknesses. thank You also for blessing me with this community of christians, that i may be supported in my faith and know the joy of being a support to others.
"the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
the ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
they are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb"
psalm 19:8-11
met YF and LL for fellowship on Mon. YF commented that the past few months had really been a great experience for her spiritually, because staying in hall gave her the freedom to read her bible and play christian songs anytime she wanted. it also gave her more opportunities to come into contact with christians and talk about spiritual issues, as opposed to when she was staying at home. that statement made me realise how blessed i am, and made me appreciate the christian support i'd been having even more. so here's my list of thanksgiving to God:
1. i thank God for niecu and for marc's faithful preaching each week. thank God also for marc's hospitality in inviting us to his house and for his patience in answering whatever questions we brought up during cg.
2. i thank God for christian friends in almost all of my modules, gesl included. it's an encouragement to me that there are others in the education service who believe with me that building up lives for God is important, and that we serve a Master beyond moe. it's also a good reminder to me to do my work properly and have the right attitude in class, so that i can be an encouragement to them.
3. i thank God for YF and LL, and for their hospitality every week. i thank God for sisters in Christ who trust me enough to be honest with me, and with whom i can be honest. their sharings of struggles and victories have really been very encouraging, and it reminds me that when we share our testimonies and speak God's word to each other, we build each others' faith up.
4. i thank God for Mel and BX and Char, for the way they keep meeting up with me and contacting me. they remind me that every relationship is an investment of time and effort, and i have been very blessed by their efforts to keep our friendships going.
5. i thank God for K. i thank God for this relationship that i do not deserve, for the sweetness and craziness in all the times spent with K, and for someone who makes me realise my blindspots so that i can change. it's a precious thing to be able to go through happy times and low times together with someone. and it has been sweetness beyond imagination. he is really the most loving boyfriend ever (:
speaking of sweetness, i am reminded of the "Winnie the Pooh" movie and how Pooh tried to Christopher-Robin himself into not thinking about honey. i think that was probably the part that spoke the most to me. because i am such a pooh-bearish addict to honey.
Lord, You are sweeter than all the honey of the earth. thank You for Your word that brings life, and for Your grace that meets me in my weaknesses. thank You also for blessing me with this community of christians, that i may be supported in my faith and know the joy of being a support to others.
"the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
the ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
they are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb"
psalm 19:8-11
Saturday, November 5, 2011
on fear.
fear is when you don't want to sleep because you are afraid of waking up into the next day.
fear may be disguised as absent-mindedness; it is the mind's response to the immense burden before it.
knowing enough to know that something is wrong, yet not knowing enough to rectify it - such is the point where fear begins.
sometimes people are angry and hostile not because they are so, but because they are afraid.
fear is creative; the person who fears sees visions in his mind.
the one thing that can make a man a shadow of himself is fear.
if it isn't even soil, but ash and dust, where shall the new life be?
faith shall be the bed, and rock and stone a foundation anew
that from this a new tower may rise, berlin-like,
wall for wall and sign for sign.
and should there be a need for more,
i plead the blood of Christ.
fear may be disguised as absent-mindedness; it is the mind's response to the immense burden before it.
knowing enough to know that something is wrong, yet not knowing enough to rectify it - such is the point where fear begins.
sometimes people are angry and hostile not because they are so, but because they are afraid.
fear is creative; the person who fears sees visions in his mind.
the one thing that can make a man a shadow of himself is fear.
if it isn't even soil, but ash and dust, where shall the new life be?
faith shall be the bed, and rock and stone a foundation anew
that from this a new tower may rise, berlin-like,
wall for wall and sign for sign.
and should there be a need for more,
i plead the blood of Christ.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Mining for Meaning
pick-axe me and tell me how to bring
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb
and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go
round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb
and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go
round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day
Saturday, September 10, 2011
training in progress
"my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" Heb 12:5-6
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
Thursday, August 25, 2011
four
today i was reminded of you.
heartstrings are brown
soft sharp wrist-round
once you looped it
see now i brick it
i need no retelling, but a release.
heartstrings are brown
soft sharp wrist-round
once you looped it
see now i brick it
i need no retelling, but a release.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
attachments
i think friday was a bit much.
there was the meeting with C at PL's bus stop. then the flood of teachers that we met inside. followed by lunch with LL at the canteen. then came the on-impulse walk to Ebenezer block. then insanity of insanity - meeting WLH and GD at moe.
the rains came with a purpose.
LL i miss you. i don't know how we managed to talk without letting any of that come through. i don't know how we could speak words like "rethink the ministry" and "substitute purpose" and "something to live for", speak words like these without crying. it pains so much. have you forgotten that i had my girls once, and that it was that that sensitized me to your burden? or has it been too long since we spoke about them, such that you no longer remember that part of my past?
the rains came, and they came because of you. they came to remind me of the repentance i owe you. they came to demand sincerity. they came to say "your girls cry because of you".
LL what do you do with a cell leader's burden?
there was the meeting with C at PL's bus stop. then the flood of teachers that we met inside. followed by lunch with LL at the canteen. then came the on-impulse walk to Ebenezer block. then insanity of insanity - meeting WLH and GD at moe.
the rains came with a purpose.
LL i miss you. i don't know how we managed to talk without letting any of that come through. i don't know how we could speak words like "rethink the ministry" and "substitute purpose" and "something to live for", speak words like these without crying. it pains so much. have you forgotten that i had my girls once, and that it was that that sensitized me to your burden? or has it been too long since we spoke about them, such that you no longer remember that part of my past?
the rains came, and they came because of you. they came to remind me of the repentance i owe you. they came to demand sincerity. they came to say "your girls cry because of you".
LL what do you do with a cell leader's burden?
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
o isabella, hold thy peace.
speak not, part not your lips
to move, for thou art the unfirm.
he who knowest the wind stands not where it blows;
he who knowest sin stands not, but bows,
and stays close to the ground.
for both doth blow beyond man's control,
and after-weeping finds far console.
o isabella, sue not, for one stands near
ever to sue, ever a charge to bring
til all accusations ring and ties beget ties;
o isabella, live chaste or die.
speak not, part not your lips
to move, for thou art the unfirm.
he who knowest the wind stands not where it blows;
he who knowest sin stands not, but bows,
and stays close to the ground.
for both doth blow beyond man's control,
and after-weeping finds far console.
o isabella, sue not, for one stands near
ever to sue, ever a charge to bring
til all accusations ring and ties beget ties;
o isabella, live chaste or die.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
so does a youth
youth has its own beauty -
smooth cheeks, sprightly feet,
suppleness, steps of spring,
winning smiles, from all woe free.
smooth cheeks, sprightly feet,
suppleness, steps of spring,
winning smiles, from all woe free.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
snow-broth
if i could, i would
do a rodin again, ash all things.
for fire, fire must be,
or turn ice.
yet still, ice over flakes of ash.
do a rodin again, ash all things.
for fire, fire must be,
or turn ice.
yet still, ice over flakes of ash.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Make-Believe
days of waiting, crazy down-counting
walk away from clocks and chimes
to make-believe, pretend i'm not
i'm not missing you
i'm not waiting for
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i agree oh man can you believe
i totally enjoyed that
can we do this again
yes i say
can we do this again
can you help me make-believe
but no it's no ball, cinder girl must fall
can't forget the clock and chime
and i'm back, back to thinking
that i'm missing you
that i'm, no
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i agree oh man can you believe
i totally enjoyed that
can we do this again
yes i say
can we do this again
you gotta help me make-believe
make-believe, you gotta help me (x3)
make-believe
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i heard but i was thinking
i was thinking
i was thinking
walk away from clocks and chimes
to make-believe, pretend i'm not
i'm not missing you
i'm not waiting for
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i agree oh man can you believe
i totally enjoyed that
can we do this again
yes i say
can we do this again
can you help me make-believe
but no it's no ball, cinder girl must fall
can't forget the clock and chime
and i'm back, back to thinking
that i'm missing you
that i'm, no
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i agree oh man can you believe
i totally enjoyed that
can we do this again
yes i say
can we do this again
you gotta help me make-believe
make-believe, you gotta help me (x3)
make-believe
hey look that's a nice book
what were you saying
yes i heard but i was thinking
i was thinking
i was thinking
Saturday, May 14, 2011
taters, anyone?
some time back, i wrote about iron man and ip man after watching the movies with my friends. having watched dark knight recently, i am reminded of them because of the similar theme of good/evil conflict and because certain traits can be observed in the eponymous characters of all the three.
in brief, then aside. i feel that dark knight has characters who are less securely on either side and, like iron man, emphasises the inescapability of the antithesis. every stalactite of good calls forth a stalagmite of bad. as to the characteristics, note again the do-it-alone spirit, dark knight bringing it to the extreme with the letting go of rachel and bearing the outlaw's burden.
brevity in those, so that i might dwell on what really caught me. essentially, what dark knight really reminded me of weren't those alpha-male, heroic figure movies, but tolkien's lord of the rings. when lucius fox shut down the computers, when alfred burned the letter, when the prisoner threw the detonator into the waters, gandalf's, galadriel's, and aragorn's rejections of the ring were re-enacted. these characters were saying no to some form of knowledge, some form of power that they deemed too heavy for a human to bear. cognizant of the limits to a man (or wizard, or elf), they chose to give up something they knew they could not live up to.
this giving up is not a shirking of responsibility, nor a weak "i can't do this". on the contrary, it is responsible to not lay hold of something which one knows is beyond one's due, and it takes a secure person to be humble enough to say "i can't do this" or "i can't have this" when faced with that which one would like to do or to have. too often, self-confidence is encouraged, humility brushed aside as weakness, though the bible says "do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement".
when satan tempted eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, he said that we would "be like God" with that knowledge, and we continue to buy into that lie today. we continue to think that with knowledge comes power, comes the ability to control things; in short, with knowledge comes God-hood. but God is not just all-knowing and all-powerful; he is also all-loving. we associate God-hood with power and we forget about love, when it is that heart of absolute love that balances the might of absolute power. we are eager to build up the latter but less eager to cultivate the former. we want a power in our minds that our hearts are not ready to match.
hence, the human condition.
sometimes, you just need someone to throw the ring into the fire and the detonator into the water. you need a sam gamgee, the sort who would go "well that's all very nice but i was thinking of going home to tend my little garden and marry rose and have taters for dinner", the sort who would live in shires instead of building towers of babel or isengard.
in brief, then aside. i feel that dark knight has characters who are less securely on either side and, like iron man, emphasises the inescapability of the antithesis. every stalactite of good calls forth a stalagmite of bad. as to the characteristics, note again the do-it-alone spirit, dark knight bringing it to the extreme with the letting go of rachel and bearing the outlaw's burden.
brevity in those, so that i might dwell on what really caught me. essentially, what dark knight really reminded me of weren't those alpha-male, heroic figure movies, but tolkien's lord of the rings. when lucius fox shut down the computers, when alfred burned the letter, when the prisoner threw the detonator into the waters, gandalf's, galadriel's, and aragorn's rejections of the ring were re-enacted. these characters were saying no to some form of knowledge, some form of power that they deemed too heavy for a human to bear. cognizant of the limits to a man (or wizard, or elf), they chose to give up something they knew they could not live up to.
this giving up is not a shirking of responsibility, nor a weak "i can't do this". on the contrary, it is responsible to not lay hold of something which one knows is beyond one's due, and it takes a secure person to be humble enough to say "i can't do this" or "i can't have this" when faced with that which one would like to do or to have. too often, self-confidence is encouraged, humility brushed aside as weakness, though the bible says "do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement".
when satan tempted eve to eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, he said that we would "be like God" with that knowledge, and we continue to buy into that lie today. we continue to think that with knowledge comes power, comes the ability to control things; in short, with knowledge comes God-hood. but God is not just all-knowing and all-powerful; he is also all-loving. we associate God-hood with power and we forget about love, when it is that heart of absolute love that balances the might of absolute power. we are eager to build up the latter but less eager to cultivate the former. we want a power in our minds that our hearts are not ready to match.
hence, the human condition.
sometimes, you just need someone to throw the ring into the fire and the detonator into the water. you need a sam gamgee, the sort who would go "well that's all very nice but i was thinking of going home to tend my little garden and marry rose and have taters for dinner", the sort who would live in shires instead of building towers of babel or isengard.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
raising the white flag.
at one time he had known exactly what he wanted to do, and now he was wavering between options.
this was one of the phrases that spoke to me the most today. thought i should write about it before it gets the chance to take place in my life, after which any writing about it would be retrospective, and with some regret.
then again, there is no denying that this is already in the retrospective-regret stage.
i find that it is easy for me to recall numerous instances in which i have disobeyed God, whereas racking for the better opposite brings only two instances to mind (in either case i am referring to obedience/disobedience of a certain degree). much as i wish to obey, the translation from conviction to action often fails. i would write, as paul wrote, that "what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do".
sometimes i pray that God would speak to me and tell me what to do. but then i realised, what's the point in asking if i'm not ready to obey? he has spoken; i am only waiting for what i wish to hear.
i could reason this way or that.
in all moments of choosing, the burden and beauty is as that facing a man standing on a mountain's peak - from one point radiates all other possible destinations.
this was one of the phrases that spoke to me the most today. thought i should write about it before it gets the chance to take place in my life, after which any writing about it would be retrospective, and with some regret.
then again, there is no denying that this is already in the retrospective-regret stage.
i find that it is easy for me to recall numerous instances in which i have disobeyed God, whereas racking for the better opposite brings only two instances to mind (in either case i am referring to obedience/disobedience of a certain degree). much as i wish to obey, the translation from conviction to action often fails. i would write, as paul wrote, that "what i want to do i do not do, but what i hate i do".
sometimes i pray that God would speak to me and tell me what to do. but then i realised, what's the point in asking if i'm not ready to obey? he has spoken; i am only waiting for what i wish to hear.
i could reason this way or that.
in all moments of choosing, the burden and beauty is as that facing a man standing on a mountain's peak - from one point radiates all other possible destinations.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
when the light meets the dark
In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade...
in that seat, i once sat beside C. she saw the marks and questioned.
in that seat, i once felt burdened and bitter, when they surrounded me and took me away from you.
from that seat, i once walked away, walked out and cried, not wanting the responsibilities.
from that seat, i once went down with her, and til today, that conversation we remember.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine...
sitting there today, i remember all these, and i cry before You again. i am overwhelmed. when light comes, the one who has walked in darkness falls to the ground and weeps, weeps for joy and for the sheer relief of freedom. i have cried and raged and argued and deadened this soul, but Your grace has always been there, loving me and moulding me through the years.
and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7
no words but praise. and an affirmation that dark days pass. dark days pass; and when the light comes, the pain diminishes, til you wonder that you ever wept.
in that seat, i once sat beside C. she saw the marks and questioned.
in that seat, i once felt burdened and bitter, when they surrounded me and took me away from you.
from that seat, i once walked away, walked out and cried, not wanting the responsibilities.
from that seat, i once went down with her, and til today, that conversation we remember.
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith - of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire - may be proved genuine...
sitting there today, i remember all these, and i cry before You again. i am overwhelmed. when light comes, the one who has walked in darkness falls to the ground and weeps, weeps for joy and for the sheer relief of freedom. i have cried and raged and argued and deadened this soul, but Your grace has always been there, loving me and moulding me through the years.
and may result in praise, glory and honour when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:3-7
no words but praise. and an affirmation that dark days pass. dark days pass; and when the light comes, the pain diminishes, til you wonder that you ever wept.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
heaven-bound.
world-weary, mist-heavy, pressed to tarry,
heaven ever ahead and all roads winding.
feet on the ground grind not dreams of fairy
though crosses and crossing-outs while treasure-finding.
winged beasts flying blind on sound depend;
they echolate, we reciprocate, to sound the depth.
yet darkness resists scouts and scouring of land,
so sleep, and stillness, til sun-guided steps.
stay the hands, in the night all senses lie;
still the lips, tis they who signals seek and send.
mice-curl, snuggle, cuddle close and cry;
never, nor ever, will have all til the end.
checks and glances, words and silence; in a breath and wink,
flap and flutter, our morning vigils - spring.
heaven ever ahead and all roads winding.
feet on the ground grind not dreams of fairy
though crosses and crossing-outs while treasure-finding.
winged beasts flying blind on sound depend;
they echolate, we reciprocate, to sound the depth.
yet darkness resists scouts and scouring of land,
so sleep, and stillness, til sun-guided steps.
stay the hands, in the night all senses lie;
still the lips, tis they who signals seek and send.
mice-curl, snuggle, cuddle close and cry;
never, nor ever, will have all til the end.
checks and glances, words and silence; in a breath and wink,
flap and flutter, our morning vigils - spring.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
weight.
warmth and radiation
5 dots and a line
resting there, you send a code
of casual care and substitutes;
i feel the pressure points
and interpret with another sender in mind.
5 dots and a line
resting there, you send a code
of casual care and substitutes;
i feel the pressure points
and interpret with another sender in mind.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
of 2nd naans and 4pm waffles
it has come. you are finally asking the question that i guessed you would one day ask.
inherent in the seed is the plant, and perhaps, inherent in the decision you made is this doubt. because much as we would like to believe in the positive adage of "live life to the fullest", our finite, self-seeking minds are ultimately incapable of responding responsibly to such an ethos. adopting such an attitude, we would take it to be a licence for self-satiation, enter all things with "carpe diem" in mind, and turn to different degrees of hedonism. there would be no restraint, only the pursuit of plenitude and an engulfing of all possible experiences.
and with no restraint there can be no true happiness.
i wish i could quote you matt 16:25. i wish i could make you see that in seeking happiness from extremes, you have made yourself unhappier. you are gorging and deriving flashes of thrills, but it is food that gnaws when it enters you. and you know it, but you can't bring yourself to say it. and i am held back by all sorts of things, but i wish i could say it straight to you, and pull you out of all this cotton-candy mess.
you are a kid who has eaten too many chocolate cakes.
"vomit it out. you'll feel better."
inherent in the seed is the plant, and perhaps, inherent in the decision you made is this doubt. because much as we would like to believe in the positive adage of "live life to the fullest", our finite, self-seeking minds are ultimately incapable of responding responsibly to such an ethos. adopting such an attitude, we would take it to be a licence for self-satiation, enter all things with "carpe diem" in mind, and turn to different degrees of hedonism. there would be no restraint, only the pursuit of plenitude and an engulfing of all possible experiences.
and with no restraint there can be no true happiness.
i wish i could quote you matt 16:25. i wish i could make you see that in seeking happiness from extremes, you have made yourself unhappier. you are gorging and deriving flashes of thrills, but it is food that gnaws when it enters you. and you know it, but you can't bring yourself to say it. and i am held back by all sorts of things, but i wish i could say it straight to you, and pull you out of all this cotton-candy mess.
you are a kid who has eaten too many chocolate cakes.
"vomit it out. you'll feel better."
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
贤妻良母
to be, or not to be: that is the question:
whether 'tis nobler to be a domesticated rabbit,
or to take arms 'gainst the 'pression of patriarchy,
and by opposing make Plaths of self.
it was acheful to see you cry, and to hear all your stories of silence. i could never have your courage to pour out my feelings thus before a group, but perhaps you have not that courage too. perhaps it is pain that motivates that pouring, an aching for sympathy, for affirmation, for the fellowship of womanhood that can alone ease the stings and bring back your belief in your beauty.
all women long to be made to feel beautiful. yet the Lillas and Lilla-worshippers of the world prevent most of us from ever having that need fulfilled. dears, we are not Lilla and never will be. and perhaps we will say that we never wish to be. but in your voices and in my own silence, we all know that we long to be called beautiful, to be loved by a man and to be able to be a woman for the man we love.
what is woman? what are these names surrounding us, these qualities demanded of us? woman, thy name is housework. woman, thy name is docility. woman, thy name is carer of children and comforter of husband. woman, thy name is servitude. woman, you are slapped and stepped over. woman, you are to be quiet and listen. woman, you are to cook and wash and clean and wipe. woman, you are God's gift to man, master of the world.
woman, thy name is heartbreak.
years later, if we meet again one day, perhaps with our names erased and with lives pulled out from us, i wish to hear what we have to say. i play our faces in my mind but i cannot put voices to the lips. it is a conversation to come, and i wait for it. i wait to look into eyes, to hear the tightness and lightness of voices, to cry again with all of you over the silences of our lives. or maybe we won't cry, maybe we won't meet. but each time those questions arise, i will think of you, and i will love your beauty that finds little love in this world.
silence, thy name is woman.
whether 'tis nobler to be a domesticated rabbit,
or to take arms 'gainst the 'pression of patriarchy,
and by opposing make Plaths of self.
it was acheful to see you cry, and to hear all your stories of silence. i could never have your courage to pour out my feelings thus before a group, but perhaps you have not that courage too. perhaps it is pain that motivates that pouring, an aching for sympathy, for affirmation, for the fellowship of womanhood that can alone ease the stings and bring back your belief in your beauty.
all women long to be made to feel beautiful. yet the Lillas and Lilla-worshippers of the world prevent most of us from ever having that need fulfilled. dears, we are not Lilla and never will be. and perhaps we will say that we never wish to be. but in your voices and in my own silence, we all know that we long to be called beautiful, to be loved by a man and to be able to be a woman for the man we love.
what is woman? what are these names surrounding us, these qualities demanded of us? woman, thy name is housework. woman, thy name is docility. woman, thy name is carer of children and comforter of husband. woman, thy name is servitude. woman, you are slapped and stepped over. woman, you are to be quiet and listen. woman, you are to cook and wash and clean and wipe. woman, you are God's gift to man, master of the world.
woman, thy name is heartbreak.
years later, if we meet again one day, perhaps with our names erased and with lives pulled out from us, i wish to hear what we have to say. i play our faces in my mind but i cannot put voices to the lips. it is a conversation to come, and i wait for it. i wait to look into eyes, to hear the tightness and lightness of voices, to cry again with all of you over the silences of our lives. or maybe we won't cry, maybe we won't meet. but each time those questions arise, i will think of you, and i will love your beauty that finds little love in this world.
silence, thy name is woman.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
dreams of Valinor
"but when the magic faded, and the heartless Peter Pan flew away, and Wendy was left behind to watch from the window, then Ermengarde suddenly could not bear it."
i've loved Burnett's The Little Princess since the first time i read it years and years ago. the princess, the servant, the story life and the need to bear...i loved the way the story makes you believe that virtue still has its beauty and goodness, its reward.
i'd never really thought about all the other characters that Burnett left behind in the Select Seminary, and the fact that theirs was our (the reader's) true position, not the fairy-tale ending of Sara's. who flies away, and who stays to watch from windows? in all the times of reading Burnett's story, Sara's was the story that consumed and lifted, the life for which i ached. i never saw the spaces brimming to be filled in the other characters, until McKay's Wishing for Tomorrow, written as a sequel to that classic, relegated Sara to her proper peripheral position and gave voice to the pathos and romance of the other human lives around her.
there is still magic in this book, though not the sparkles of sumptious dresses and Indian rugs; still pathos, though not the sufferings of the ill-treated, fate-tossed martyr. the acts of kindness are not those of Sara bestowing largesse or Sara displaying her inhuman ability to love, but kindness from scrimping, messy young girls, at times grudgingly given but still carried out. it is virtue displayed not for the sake that we might admire the doer of the virtuous act, and in so doing localise virtue on a single character; it is virtue wrapped in brown paper and brushed aside, so that in treating it as if it is of little consequence and not worthy of great attention, virtue is naturalised and brought back to the human realm. virtue acknowledged casually, virtue that comes through amidst foibles, virtue that is prevented from feeling self-heroic - in these ways are virtue celebrated more than in the classic rendering of virtue in the suprahuman figure.
who is Sara in this modern world? a blue cloak, words on folded papers, a hand, a voice. she is banished further and further from the real - sent to a house by the sea, then over the seas to India. Sara has no more place in this age. were we to cling on to her, to the memory of her, she would be a bane to our lives, an influence on our minds and a spectral figure haunting our vision. we see a ghost if we believe in Sara, as Miss Minchin does. consumed, she sees the world with a memory of Sara, sees the works of Sara in all the things around her. but that world with its glory and visions can no longer illuminate our world. magic (and the belief in it) lies, evades, blinds us from seeing and appreciating what is really there. which is why Alice, the figure of perfect sense and earthliness, has no interest in fairy-tale Sara, and Tristram, the new owner of the house which brought the magic to Sara, can only experience her as a voice, a touch, splinters of contact with a being antecedent to his (our) world.
but when all is said, we have, and always will have, need of Sara. which is why we place her by the sea, across the sea, the very places where we have always placed all our hopes. much as the world may offer its marriages and happy endings, a tune remains in our minds, enchants us with its singing of distant lands and forgotten times; much as we enjoy the playfulness of the fresh tale, we remember the first story of a little girl who was a princess, who lost her father and became a servant, who told stories and believed in magic to get by, who made friends with a rat and a monkey, who crossed one door, and another another time, and became a princess again and lived happily ever after. we remember the story and stories of Sara flaming our minds and bringing the tears, and the ache that comes with all these stories of old. we are holding on, as Ermengarde did, to the blue cloak, to these signs of the past. and we wrap them all up and send them to a place out of sight and hence believeable, to the Land Beyond the Sea.
i've loved Burnett's The Little Princess since the first time i read it years and years ago. the princess, the servant, the story life and the need to bear...i loved the way the story makes you believe that virtue still has its beauty and goodness, its reward.
i'd never really thought about all the other characters that Burnett left behind in the Select Seminary, and the fact that theirs was our (the reader's) true position, not the fairy-tale ending of Sara's. who flies away, and who stays to watch from windows? in all the times of reading Burnett's story, Sara's was the story that consumed and lifted, the life for which i ached. i never saw the spaces brimming to be filled in the other characters, until McKay's Wishing for Tomorrow, written as a sequel to that classic, relegated Sara to her proper peripheral position and gave voice to the pathos and romance of the other human lives around her.
there is still magic in this book, though not the sparkles of sumptious dresses and Indian rugs; still pathos, though not the sufferings of the ill-treated, fate-tossed martyr. the acts of kindness are not those of Sara bestowing largesse or Sara displaying her inhuman ability to love, but kindness from scrimping, messy young girls, at times grudgingly given but still carried out. it is virtue displayed not for the sake that we might admire the doer of the virtuous act, and in so doing localise virtue on a single character; it is virtue wrapped in brown paper and brushed aside, so that in treating it as if it is of little consequence and not worthy of great attention, virtue is naturalised and brought back to the human realm. virtue acknowledged casually, virtue that comes through amidst foibles, virtue that is prevented from feeling self-heroic - in these ways are virtue celebrated more than in the classic rendering of virtue in the suprahuman figure.
who is Sara in this modern world? a blue cloak, words on folded papers, a hand, a voice. she is banished further and further from the real - sent to a house by the sea, then over the seas to India. Sara has no more place in this age. were we to cling on to her, to the memory of her, she would be a bane to our lives, an influence on our minds and a spectral figure haunting our vision. we see a ghost if we believe in Sara, as Miss Minchin does. consumed, she sees the world with a memory of Sara, sees the works of Sara in all the things around her. but that world with its glory and visions can no longer illuminate our world. magic (and the belief in it) lies, evades, blinds us from seeing and appreciating what is really there. which is why Alice, the figure of perfect sense and earthliness, has no interest in fairy-tale Sara, and Tristram, the new owner of the house which brought the magic to Sara, can only experience her as a voice, a touch, splinters of contact with a being antecedent to his (our) world.
but when all is said, we have, and always will have, need of Sara. which is why we place her by the sea, across the sea, the very places where we have always placed all our hopes. much as the world may offer its marriages and happy endings, a tune remains in our minds, enchants us with its singing of distant lands and forgotten times; much as we enjoy the playfulness of the fresh tale, we remember the first story of a little girl who was a princess, who lost her father and became a servant, who told stories and believed in magic to get by, who made friends with a rat and a monkey, who crossed one door, and another another time, and became a princess again and lived happily ever after. we remember the story and stories of Sara flaming our minds and bringing the tears, and the ache that comes with all these stories of old. we are holding on, as Ermengarde did, to the blue cloak, to these signs of the past. and we wrap them all up and send them to a place out of sight and hence believeable, to the Land Beyond the Sea.
Monday, January 10, 2011
flirt
it's a mish-mash and bamboozle.
the thought of her makes me laugh. my extreme stupidity. my despicable weakness. i have done to someone again what i never wanted to do to anyone.
when i spoke about them to A that day, i felt like i was reading out words that i've said before once upon a time. pausing at the same places, adding emphasis to those portions -- i have never moved on. i have not learnt. and they suffer.
i could laugh.
she said once that i really don't care. that posture, that stance -- it speaks the attitude that has not changed. the blood that runs is cold. yet the heart pains. and eyes long to let tears fall.
really, who am i if i can just walk out of their lives.
perhaps all i crave is the responding spark. when i know i've succeeded in winning them over, i am satisfied, validated; i can leave. i leave before they make a claim over me, before they believe that they belong to me, and i them. no more ties. no more relationships. no more promises. no more fantasies.
the flirt rejects the forever.
the thought of her makes me laugh. my extreme stupidity. my despicable weakness. i have done to someone again what i never wanted to do to anyone.
when i spoke about them to A that day, i felt like i was reading out words that i've said before once upon a time. pausing at the same places, adding emphasis to those portions -- i have never moved on. i have not learnt. and they suffer.
i could laugh.
she said once that i really don't care. that posture, that stance -- it speaks the attitude that has not changed. the blood that runs is cold. yet the heart pains. and eyes long to let tears fall.
really, who am i if i can just walk out of their lives.
perhaps all i crave is the responding spark. when i know i've succeeded in winning them over, i am satisfied, validated; i can leave. i leave before they make a claim over me, before they believe that they belong to me, and i them. no more ties. no more relationships. no more promises. no more fantasies.
the flirt rejects the forever.
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