swelling, swollen, surfeit with thoughts and motion
in the heart, gut, guttered dank-ditch, black-pitch,
black crest upon crest of rolling waves
that wring wood away from failing feet as
squall-tossed souls sway; there is no stay, yet hold
fast, lash and slash for else the waves whirl in
and down, drown, heart heaped with sea-deep sounds
the world is too much, there is no ground.

Batter my heart

I, too, would plead “Batter my heart”, save
Knowing its state, there would be naught left
To offer after, but shards blown away as chaff;
Yet it may be they may do better.
Break away, then, out of the pieces, take two
And of them, another being make new -
Poor in body, maimed, blind and dead
To all the wiles of this wasted land.
And keep that body broken through, until bonds
Base and earthly loosen their hold
That whole in soul, it may arrive at last,
Strained that it might come to final rest.

Good Friday, Writing Eastward

today, i heard that song being played, and i thought of you. i wish i could put those memories to death, and to some extent they have already been. but it is not that difficult for them to come clawing back through the sand, when by human reckoning, they aren't really many years away from the present.

do i resurrect them in this post, or do i speak of another resurrection.


sometimes i get a stirring of how the Israelites must have felt, waiting for the Messiah. conscious of their sin and exiled from the land which was meant to be the fulfilment of a promise to them, they heard rebuke after rebuke, reminding them of their unfaithfulness, and yet promise after promise, reminding them of God's eventual restoration. to live with such a history, with all the should-have-beens and could-have-beens, and to hear again and again that one day, someone would come to free them from this disgrace that they had brought upon themselves - what a wait that must have been. and then one day, to come across a man who seemed so ordinary, until he began to preach and to bring a glimpse of heaven to this dying, diseased world. here was a man who arrests all your attention, and you stare at him in amazement as he breaks and crumbles all the shackles of this world - the hopelessness of sicknesses, the disgrace of disease, the grief of death. a wild current of hope surges through your frame as you wonder for a moment, as you entertain the thought, as you try to shape the possibility in your head, that this might be, he might be the Messiah.


what is this marvellous thing that You have done, that You would come to set us free from sin.

how does one open one's mouth and say, this and this and this are the things on my mind.


each time i hear them talking about it, the twinge of disappointment and discontentment strikes again. i remind myself to count my blessings, and to think about what's eternal, but i cannot deny that it bites and weighs on me. then i think about her and how much more difficult it must be, and maybe the bitterness is assuaged for a while. but such neutralisations are at best temporary, and even this disturbed mind recognises the hollowness of such comparisons.

"but whatever gain i had, i counted as loss for the sake of Christ. indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for his sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ" phil 3:7-8

losing words, one can only cling to and wrap oneself with words from everywhere else. words that sustain, words that revive, words that bring peace to an unquiet soul.

"where else have we to go
when you alone have words of eternal life."

"Oh! would to God I may be enabled to feel enough sustained by an occasional, amicable intercourse, rare, brief, unengrossing and tranquil: quite tranquil!"


would to God i may be tranquil.


i would draw a donut and
thread it through. and
wear it round my neck.
i would come this close,
i would, to wearing
the heart on the sleeve.
except that none would know
what the donut means.

ash and ice

according to google, it is rodin's birthday today.




1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8 The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore

psalm 121:1-8

2003-2012

now and then, i think about what you would say in response to this. i remember bits and pieces of the things i'd learnt from you, the conversations we'd had and issues we'd wrangled with. i remember the many times you tried to help me to see a point, the hours you spent with me untangling all the messed-up thoughts and erroneous beliefs. it was life-to-life (one of the many things you emphasised), a life-to-life relationship of discipleship. and such imprints do not fade easily.

i miss something, but i don't know what i miss. perhaps this is the feeling ST had when she woke up that day, and said she needed to go home. perhaps this is how maids feel when they first start working for a new employer, and they run away from the home in a bid to escape to the embassy.

i know this will pass, and there'll be a settling down, and that on the whole i am glad to have left the place. but in the meantime, i still remember blk 80 and octopus and blk 162 and chai chee (oh god, chai chee) and st helier's and expo. and i remember white chairs and rattan chairs and sitting on carpeted floors and black curtains and brown doors. and hours and hours and hours and hours of words and words and words and words and words.

it's a stevens sort of pain.

open and stuff and close. and
let fall a few

it is good.

"As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." Gen 50:20

i thank God that he is slowly melting away the bitterness that i have been carrying over my lot. not that i was really stewing in that bitterness or anything like that, but i guess there was always that feeling of unfairness and the "why are things so crap" kind of mindset.

reading this verse today, i felt like i was finally cutting myself away from those negative thoughts. if indeed i believe, as Joseph did, that God is sovereign over all and that he is the one who arranges all things in my life, i am not then complaining against the school administration but against him when i bemoan my posting. and why should i have any cause to feel hard done by, if it was God who did it? for surely no bad thing comes from him, but only good gifts such as a father would give his child.

the knowledge that none of this is beyond God's control has probably always been there, just perhaps overshadowed by the fear that they would judge me harshly if i did not perform well with these classes and brushed aside in favour of the well-meaning consolations of well-meaning colleagues. but i am tired of worrying about my grades, and consolations provide scant comfort when i have to step into class. these insecurities and temporary balms have to go if i am to move forward. i only pray that God will grant me the grace to live this out, and that i would, like Joseph, declare that God meant all this for good, for his own good plans. and surely that is enough reason to give thanks for it.

You are my RO.

"Far above the Ephel Duath in the West the night-sky was still dim and pale. There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach."

Tolkien, Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King



You are my white star.

trading this heart of stone

hard to believe that it's been less than a month.


if there's anything that i'm really thankful for, it's that the experience there has taught me to be more appreciative of my parents and my family. after learning about the family backgrounds and histories of so many of them, i am extremely grateful for the family that i was born into and for all the material comforts that i have enjoyed these past two decades and more.

i have two parents who care for me and work hard to provide for me.
i have more than enough food to eat every day.
i have never had to worry about not having enough money for recess.
i have a comfortable bed to sleep on and air-conditioning in my room every night.
i have a mother who buys the type of bread that i like.
i have parents who supported me through my schooling years by either driving me to/fro school or paying for my cab fares.
i have sisters who share their clothes with me.
i have had maids to cook my meals and clean my house all through my life.


sometimes, it really takes the bad to help you appreciate the good. and even if this place brings fresh sorrow every day, i celebrate that it is breaking this once-unconquerable part of me down.



i love my family.

Titus 338

"At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.

He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior,

so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

This is a trustworthy saying.

And I want you to stress these things, so that those who have trusted in God may be careful to devote themselves to doing what is good. These things are excellent and profitable for everyone."

Titus 3:3-8


the battle starts tomorrow, and these shall be the words i cling on to. for all lies about who they are, who i am, what i am expected to do, and what we are in this for will reveal themselves to be lies when faced with the truth.


bring it on.

wet black bough

too many weights on my mind from one day in that auditorium.

i think the overall feeling was a sense of frustration and restlessness, inspired by the events of the day and perhaps, to some extent, by the experiences of Dagny Taggart in Atlas Shrugged. errors irritate. and there are errors in my own behaviour and judgement too, but comparisons of speck and log aside, it is surely still allowable to just let that statement stand as an expression of opinion, despite how it might not reflect an attitude that is entirely laudable.

if one can say that certain things of uniqueness have become too commercialised, perhaps one can also say that certain things of prosaic-ness have become too advertised. teachers, and the teaching profession, probably fall under that latter category. too much ideology and meaning have been invested into the teacher, such that a gathering of teachers inadvertently prompts one to think potential, outreach, influence, moulders of the future. as magnet attracts iron, we seem to attract people who want to influence the future by way of influencing us. the person has been substituted for a symbol, reduced to an advertised image, a convenient mental projection from which one works when planning conferences such as these. institution speaks to image, and the people protest.

such mind-numbing processes. Dagny and those who understand her mind have the words i do not have.


there are so many things i would like to tear apart. but there is arrogance in that, and perhaps an excessiveness of negativity which, on the whole, should not be indulged in.

but this i will allow myself to say.

in that matter of sin, you are wrong to say that the guy has everything to gain, and the girl has everything to lose. what screwed-up rubbish. both lose. both lose, whether they realise it or not. you speak as though that is a victory for the man, and it is words like these that perpetrate the mindset that men gain when they take the girl, giving them the lie which becomes the comforting thought they take to console themselves or in which they exult, whether or not they dare to proclaim it. you follow the crowd in not making them realise what it means, and what they lose. and i hate rubbish like that. i hate that piece of rubbish and the whole attitude behind it and the injustice of the entire sickening thing.


kill the rabbit already.

"the bellows blow fiercely
to burn away the lead with fire,
but the refining goes on in vain;
the wicked are not purged out."
jeremiah 6:29


i see this and i think, cool verse to use to teach alliteration. but then no. actually another thought came first. and that is, i wish it would burn.


how long. how long more til its over. is it my fault. is there anything i can do, i should do. i think there is, there are, many things that i should be doing. but each time i try, i fail again. i wish i wouldn't. i wish it would stop. i wish i would stop. i wish i knew when this ends. i wish i knew where i end.




bang the bronze and hear it hollo out
all hollow within and hollering now
to bend the air to its wind and will
bring it to the till;
again, repeal; til
something within stills.




"we wait in hope for the Lord,
he is our help and our shield.
in him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name."
psalm 33:20-21

tipping the scales

i should demonstrate more love towards those whom i should demonstrate love, and hold back from expressing love towards those whom i should hold back from.


"we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor 10:5

luke 9:23-24

since it is the new year, i shall talk about death.

two things come to mind when i think of death - one, the wait at a deserted train station on a winter's evening in arklow, ireland, for a train that i wasn't sure would come; two, the wait at a bus stop outside the clinic where i had just received my blood test results.

those were the two times where i really died in mind and heart. that there should be self-resurrection, that what was once dead should live again, is the bane of my existence. for i should have died and stayed dead, but zombie-like, my old nature insists on unnatural extensions to life and continues to drag its ugly body around. i would pray for execution again, except that the bruises from the last round of discipline are still tender, and fresh enough to inspire fear.

yet i miss the sweetness of death. death is cold, stark, relentless annihilation, and that complete erasure of self is a relief, a release. for it is when we are weak that Christ is strong in us, it is when we are nothing that Christ is all. and nothing beats the peace and joy of living a life in which Christ is all.

and so death it shall be. not death as a goal in itself, but death in order that Christ might be all, in order that the new creation might live.

God help me.

offering

"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matt 14:28-31

i think our cell had a somewhat "walking on water" experience during the Christmas party with the PRC students yesterday. we only found out on the 16th that we had to host them on eve and Christmas, which gave us about a week to plan a Christmas programme for 37 PRC students whom we'd never met before, and who had only just arrived in SG in the past week.

praise God for the unity within the cell group, and for everyone's willingness to serve. it was really "Go" from the moment we heard the "Come", and i was very encouraged by the obedience which everyone displayed. like Peter, our faith grew through this experience, because we learnt that it is when we are on water, when we are doing things that are supernatural and impossible within our own means, that we grow in our dependence on God's power and grace.

sharon told us to be very intentional in befriending them and sharing with them about Jesus, and so i found myself doing 3 things that i am not good at/uncomfortable with during this event: befriending a large group of strangers, speaking in Chinese, and sharing the gospel. it was pushing me way out of my comfort zone, but at the end of it, i am glad for it because it was the right thing to do. i have been in the boat for too long, when the place for Christian living is really on the water.

my heart for the PRCs really melted during the small group time, when we asked them about what Christmas meant to them and shared with them the real Christmas story. they asked so many questions and they were so eager to know more about Jesus. their ignorance pained me, and i say "ignorance" with no sense of disdain or judgement, just that that was the overwhelming sense i got from all the questions and their listening looks. i think it was then, when i was sharing with them about God's love shown through Jesus, that i realised again how much i lost when i gave up my cell girls, when i decided i couldn't continue being a cell leader. the whole set-up reminded me of those days when i took them for cell, and i know again that it was, and it has always always been, a privilege to serve. it is always a privilege to serve.

sometimes i feel like there are so many people to care for, and i don't want to take on more because i cannot give anymore of myself. but seeing the PRCs, and remembering my ex-cell members, i cannot help but ache for them, and long to make space in this crowded heart for them.

thanksgiving

the first sem of nie is coming to an end, and all i can say is - praise God for a wonderful journey with Him.

met YF and LL for fellowship on Mon. YF commented that the past few months had really been a great experience for her spiritually, because staying in hall gave her the freedom to read her bible and play christian songs anytime she wanted. it also gave her more opportunities to come into contact with christians and talk about spiritual issues, as opposed to when she was staying at home. that statement made me realise how blessed i am, and made me appreciate the christian support i'd been having even more. so here's my list of thanksgiving to God:

1. i thank God for niecu and for marc's faithful preaching each week. thank God also for marc's hospitality in inviting us to his house and for his patience in answering whatever questions we brought up during cg.

2. i thank God for christian friends in almost all of my modules, gesl included. it's an encouragement to me that there are others in the education service who believe with me that building up lives for God is important, and that we serve a Master beyond moe. it's also a good reminder to me to do my work properly and have the right attitude in class, so that i can be an encouragement to them.

3. i thank God for YF and LL, and for their hospitality every week. i thank God for sisters in Christ who trust me enough to be honest with me, and with whom i can be honest. their sharings of struggles and victories have really been very encouraging, and it reminds me that when we share our testimonies and speak God's word to each other, we build each others' faith up.

4. i thank God for Mel and BX and Char, for the way they keep meeting up with me and contacting me. they remind me that every relationship is an investment of time and effort, and i have been very blessed by their efforts to keep our friendships going.

5. i thank God for K. i thank God for this relationship that i do not deserve, for the sweetness and craziness in all the times spent with K, and for someone who makes me realise my blindspots so that i can change. it's a precious thing to be able to go through happy times and low times together with someone. and it has been sweetness beyond imagination. he is really the most loving boyfriend ever (:


speaking of sweetness, i am reminded of the "Winnie the Pooh" movie and how Pooh tried to Christopher-Robin himself into not thinking about honey. i think that was probably the part that spoke the most to me. because i am such a pooh-bearish addict to honey.

Lord, You are sweeter than all the honey of the earth. thank You for Your word that brings life, and for Your grace that meets me in my weaknesses. thank You also for blessing me with this community of christians, that i may be supported in my faith and know the joy of being a support to others.

"the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
the ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
they are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb"
psalm 19:8-11

on fear.

fear is when you don't want to sleep because you are afraid of waking up into the next day.

fear may be disguised as absent-mindedness; it is the mind's response to the immense burden before it.

knowing enough to know that something is wrong, yet not knowing enough to rectify it - such is the point where fear begins.

sometimes people are angry and hostile not because they are so, but because they are afraid.

fear is creative; the person who fears sees visions in his mind.

the one thing that can make a man a shadow of himself is fear.




if it isn't even soil, but ash and dust, where shall the new life be?
faith shall be the bed, and rock and stone a foundation anew
that from this a new tower may rise, berlin-like,
wall for wall and sign for sign.
and should there be a need for more,
i plead the blood of Christ.

Mining for Meaning

pick-axe me and tell me how to bring
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb

and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go

round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day

training in progress

"my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" Heb 12:5-6

if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.


when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.

on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.

if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.



and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.


i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.


"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11