training in progress

it is time for the training to start.

rinjani's the main reason of course, but what's a mountain but a symbol of all the things its been used as a metaphor for? the lit student in me has invested it with all these other identities, because the appellation of "mountain" is too evocative for me to not think of all the other mountains and burdens and barriers.

i condense them all into this, and i will train to overcome it. and i am enjoying the training, because there is joy in the labour, in the preparation, in the working out of one's decision.

and of course, this journey of physical, mental and spiritual training has pushed to be thought through and hammered out into words. it is not content to remain as a mass of half-formed sentences and a ball of emotions in my soul. the training has generated words, for every experience has a verbal dimension, no? images and emotions may form part of our consciousness, but the vague impressions demand to be distilled into words, slotted into structures so as to give them some assurance of immortality. (on a side note, every time i say "so as to", i think of the national pledge). i have decided that my training would not be complete unless i set myself to this verbal training too. because this is another aspect of myself that i've lost to the mountain. the experiences of the years and my ways of dealing with them have resulted in the death of my capacity to think through, own, and express my emotions. i want my consciousness to regain its verbal vitality. i want my words, and my mind, back.

"if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing" 1 cor 13:2