kids (:

was ushering for i-theatre's gruffalo show at alliance de francais last week. they had two shows per day, and both of the first day's shows were specially reserved for school bookings. we had children from primary schools, children from minds, children from national library's kids group, children from private kindergartens...you get the idea. i don't wish to fall into the trap of romanticising childhood, but it was really an absolute joy watching them queue up, run around, ask for toilet, chatter and scold and laugh and basically, do all sorts of kiddish things and sometimes even adult things with a kiddish air.

during the performance, there was one scene where a character on stage center was going to chase after another character on stage right. after delivering his speech which made clear his intention, he swopped to stage left to enact the theatrical gesture of a chase, i.e. exaggerating the distance by running up and down the stage. a girl from the audience immediately exclaimed "but she's over there!". imagine the laughter and looks of amazement from her teachers.

i was really caught by that girl and the insight she gave me into her world, our world, and the worlds we dream up for ourselves. aren't there many times when we engage in performative acts for the sake of exaggerating and calling attention to what we're doing, or for the opposite aim of concealing what we really wish to do? sometimes, we feel that people are not appreciating us enough, or not recognising the effort we're putting in, and we harp on our sacrifices so that they would notice. sometimes, we conceal when we do not take ownership for certain desires that we have, or we suppress needs that we feel too vulnerable to share. we gesture towards A when what we really want is B, and we strive after C to cope with our belief that we can never get D.

i see so many performances every day and it sickens me. i am conscious too, of my own performances and that i need to change. which is really quite a self-attacking statement because the more i type, the more i am crafting and engaging in self-presentation, which brings me deeper into the act of performance.

craft.


i'll think about that another day.

for now, my aim is to think before i speak and be more watchful of my own actions. but even as i make this resolution, i remember what ps william said during that meeting, that "the product is more important than the publicity".

so God, please change the person, and not merely help her to regulate her performance.

"therefore, i urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." romans 12:1-2