i should demonstrate more love towards those whom i should demonstrate love, and hold back from expressing love towards those whom i should hold back from.
"we demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Cor 10:5
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
luke 9:23-24
since it is the new year, i shall talk about death.
two things come to mind when i think of death - one, the wait at a deserted train station on a winter's evening in arklow, ireland, for a train that i wasn't sure would come; two, the wait at a bus stop outside the clinic where i had just received my blood test results.
those were the two times where i really died in mind and heart. that there should be self-resurrection, that what was once dead should live again, is the bane of my existence. for i should have died and stayed dead, but zombie-like, my old nature insists on unnatural extensions to life and continues to drag its ugly body around. i would pray for execution again, except that the bruises from the last round of discipline are still tender, and fresh enough to inspire fear.
yet i miss the sweetness of death. death is cold, stark, relentless annihilation, and that complete erasure of self is a relief, a release. for it is when we are weak that Christ is strong in us, it is when we are nothing that Christ is all. and nothing beats the peace and joy of living a life in which Christ is all.
and so death it shall be. not death as a goal in itself, but death in order that Christ might be all, in order that the new creation might live.
God help me.
two things come to mind when i think of death - one, the wait at a deserted train station on a winter's evening in arklow, ireland, for a train that i wasn't sure would come; two, the wait at a bus stop outside the clinic where i had just received my blood test results.
those were the two times where i really died in mind and heart. that there should be self-resurrection, that what was once dead should live again, is the bane of my existence. for i should have died and stayed dead, but zombie-like, my old nature insists on unnatural extensions to life and continues to drag its ugly body around. i would pray for execution again, except that the bruises from the last round of discipline are still tender, and fresh enough to inspire fear.
yet i miss the sweetness of death. death is cold, stark, relentless annihilation, and that complete erasure of self is a relief, a release. for it is when we are weak that Christ is strong in us, it is when we are nothing that Christ is all. and nothing beats the peace and joy of living a life in which Christ is all.
and so death it shall be. not death as a goal in itself, but death in order that Christ might be all, in order that the new creation might live.
God help me.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
offering
"Lord, if it is you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matt 14:28-31
i think our cell had a somewhat "walking on water" experience during the Christmas party with the PRC students yesterday. we only found out on the 16th that we had to host them on eve and Christmas, which gave us about a week to plan a Christmas programme for 37 PRC students whom we'd never met before, and who had only just arrived in SG in the past week.
praise God for the unity within the cell group, and for everyone's willingness to serve. it was really "Go" from the moment we heard the "Come", and i was very encouraged by the obedience which everyone displayed. like Peter, our faith grew through this experience, because we learnt that it is when we are on water, when we are doing things that are supernatural and impossible within our own means, that we grow in our dependence on God's power and grace.
sharon told us to be very intentional in befriending them and sharing with them about Jesus, and so i found myself doing 3 things that i am not good at/uncomfortable with during this event: befriending a large group of strangers, speaking in Chinese, and sharing the gospel. it was pushing me way out of my comfort zone, but at the end of it, i am glad for it because it was the right thing to do. i have been in the boat for too long, when the place for Christian living is really on the water.
my heart for the PRCs really melted during the small group time, when we asked them about what Christmas meant to them and shared with them the real Christmas story. they asked so many questions and they were so eager to know more about Jesus. their ignorance pained me, and i say "ignorance" with no sense of disdain or judgement, just that that was the overwhelming sense i got from all the questions and their listening looks. i think it was then, when i was sharing with them about God's love shown through Jesus, that i realised again how much i lost when i gave up my cell girls, when i decided i couldn't continue being a cell leader. the whole set-up reminded me of those days when i took them for cell, and i know again that it was, and it has always always been, a privilege to serve. it is always a privilege to serve.
sometimes i feel like there are so many people to care for, and i don't want to take on more because i cannot give anymore of myself. but seeing the PRCs, and remembering my ex-cell members, i cannot help but ache for them, and long to make space in this crowded heart for them.
"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Matt 14:28-31
i think our cell had a somewhat "walking on water" experience during the Christmas party with the PRC students yesterday. we only found out on the 16th that we had to host them on eve and Christmas, which gave us about a week to plan a Christmas programme for 37 PRC students whom we'd never met before, and who had only just arrived in SG in the past week.
praise God for the unity within the cell group, and for everyone's willingness to serve. it was really "Go" from the moment we heard the "Come", and i was very encouraged by the obedience which everyone displayed. like Peter, our faith grew through this experience, because we learnt that it is when we are on water, when we are doing things that are supernatural and impossible within our own means, that we grow in our dependence on God's power and grace.
sharon told us to be very intentional in befriending them and sharing with them about Jesus, and so i found myself doing 3 things that i am not good at/uncomfortable with during this event: befriending a large group of strangers, speaking in Chinese, and sharing the gospel. it was pushing me way out of my comfort zone, but at the end of it, i am glad for it because it was the right thing to do. i have been in the boat for too long, when the place for Christian living is really on the water.
my heart for the PRCs really melted during the small group time, when we asked them about what Christmas meant to them and shared with them the real Christmas story. they asked so many questions and they were so eager to know more about Jesus. their ignorance pained me, and i say "ignorance" with no sense of disdain or judgement, just that that was the overwhelming sense i got from all the questions and their listening looks. i think it was then, when i was sharing with them about God's love shown through Jesus, that i realised again how much i lost when i gave up my cell girls, when i decided i couldn't continue being a cell leader. the whole set-up reminded me of those days when i took them for cell, and i know again that it was, and it has always always been, a privilege to serve. it is always a privilege to serve.
sometimes i feel like there are so many people to care for, and i don't want to take on more because i cannot give anymore of myself. but seeing the PRCs, and remembering my ex-cell members, i cannot help but ache for them, and long to make space in this crowded heart for them.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
thanksgiving
the first sem of nie is coming to an end, and all i can say is - praise God for a wonderful journey with Him.
met YF and LL for fellowship on Mon. YF commented that the past few months had really been a great experience for her spiritually, because staying in hall gave her the freedom to read her bible and play christian songs anytime she wanted. it also gave her more opportunities to come into contact with christians and talk about spiritual issues, as opposed to when she was staying at home. that statement made me realise how blessed i am, and made me appreciate the christian support i'd been having even more. so here's my list of thanksgiving to God:
1. i thank God for niecu and for marc's faithful preaching each week. thank God also for marc's hospitality in inviting us to his house and for his patience in answering whatever questions we brought up during cg.
2. i thank God for christian friends in almost all of my modules, gesl included. it's an encouragement to me that there are others in the education service who believe with me that building up lives for God is important, and that we serve a Master beyond moe. it's also a good reminder to me to do my work properly and have the right attitude in class, so that i can be an encouragement to them.
3. i thank God for YF and LL, and for their hospitality every week. i thank God for sisters in Christ who trust me enough to be honest with me, and with whom i can be honest. their sharings of struggles and victories have really been very encouraging, and it reminds me that when we share our testimonies and speak God's word to each other, we build each others' faith up.
4. i thank God for Mel and BX and Char, for the way they keep meeting up with me and contacting me. they remind me that every relationship is an investment of time and effort, and i have been very blessed by their efforts to keep our friendships going.
5. i thank God for K. i thank God for this relationship that i do not deserve, for the sweetness and craziness in all the times spent with K, and for someone who makes me realise my blindspots so that i can change. it's a precious thing to be able to go through happy times and low times together with someone. and it has been sweetness beyond imagination. he is really the most loving boyfriend ever (:
speaking of sweetness, i am reminded of the "Winnie the Pooh" movie and how Pooh tried to Christopher-Robin himself into not thinking about honey. i think that was probably the part that spoke the most to me. because i am such a pooh-bearish addict to honey.
Lord, You are sweeter than all the honey of the earth. thank You for Your word that brings life, and for Your grace that meets me in my weaknesses. thank You also for blessing me with this community of christians, that i may be supported in my faith and know the joy of being a support to others.
"the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
the ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
they are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb"
psalm 19:8-11
met YF and LL for fellowship on Mon. YF commented that the past few months had really been a great experience for her spiritually, because staying in hall gave her the freedom to read her bible and play christian songs anytime she wanted. it also gave her more opportunities to come into contact with christians and talk about spiritual issues, as opposed to when she was staying at home. that statement made me realise how blessed i am, and made me appreciate the christian support i'd been having even more. so here's my list of thanksgiving to God:
1. i thank God for niecu and for marc's faithful preaching each week. thank God also for marc's hospitality in inviting us to his house and for his patience in answering whatever questions we brought up during cg.
2. i thank God for christian friends in almost all of my modules, gesl included. it's an encouragement to me that there are others in the education service who believe with me that building up lives for God is important, and that we serve a Master beyond moe. it's also a good reminder to me to do my work properly and have the right attitude in class, so that i can be an encouragement to them.
3. i thank God for YF and LL, and for their hospitality every week. i thank God for sisters in Christ who trust me enough to be honest with me, and with whom i can be honest. their sharings of struggles and victories have really been very encouraging, and it reminds me that when we share our testimonies and speak God's word to each other, we build each others' faith up.
4. i thank God for Mel and BX and Char, for the way they keep meeting up with me and contacting me. they remind me that every relationship is an investment of time and effort, and i have been very blessed by their efforts to keep our friendships going.
5. i thank God for K. i thank God for this relationship that i do not deserve, for the sweetness and craziness in all the times spent with K, and for someone who makes me realise my blindspots so that i can change. it's a precious thing to be able to go through happy times and low times together with someone. and it has been sweetness beyond imagination. he is really the most loving boyfriend ever (:
speaking of sweetness, i am reminded of the "Winnie the Pooh" movie and how Pooh tried to Christopher-Robin himself into not thinking about honey. i think that was probably the part that spoke the most to me. because i am such a pooh-bearish addict to honey.
Lord, You are sweeter than all the honey of the earth. thank You for Your word that brings life, and for Your grace that meets me in my weaknesses. thank You also for blessing me with this community of christians, that i may be supported in my faith and know the joy of being a support to others.
"the precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart.
the commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.
the fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever.
the ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous.
they are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb"
psalm 19:8-11
Saturday, November 5, 2011
on fear.
fear is when you don't want to sleep because you are afraid of waking up into the next day.
fear may be disguised as absent-mindedness; it is the mind's response to the immense burden before it.
knowing enough to know that something is wrong, yet not knowing enough to rectify it - such is the point where fear begins.
sometimes people are angry and hostile not because they are so, but because they are afraid.
fear is creative; the person who fears sees visions in his mind.
the one thing that can make a man a shadow of himself is fear.
if it isn't even soil, but ash and dust, where shall the new life be?
faith shall be the bed, and rock and stone a foundation anew
that from this a new tower may rise, berlin-like,
wall for wall and sign for sign.
and should there be a need for more,
i plead the blood of Christ.
fear may be disguised as absent-mindedness; it is the mind's response to the immense burden before it.
knowing enough to know that something is wrong, yet not knowing enough to rectify it - such is the point where fear begins.
sometimes people are angry and hostile not because they are so, but because they are afraid.
fear is creative; the person who fears sees visions in his mind.
the one thing that can make a man a shadow of himself is fear.
if it isn't even soil, but ash and dust, where shall the new life be?
faith shall be the bed, and rock and stone a foundation anew
that from this a new tower may rise, berlin-like,
wall for wall and sign for sign.
and should there be a need for more,
i plead the blood of Christ.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Mining for Meaning
pick-axe me and tell me how to bring
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb
and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go
round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb
and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go
round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day
Saturday, September 10, 2011
training in progress
"my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" Heb 12:5-6
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
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