how does one open one's mouth and say, this and this and this are the things on my mind.


each time i hear them talking about it, the twinge of disappointment and discontentment strikes again. i remind myself to count my blessings, and to think about what's eternal, but i cannot deny that it bites and weighs on me. then i think about her and how much more difficult it must be, and maybe the bitterness is assuaged for a while. but such neutralisations are at best temporary, and even this disturbed mind recognises the hollowness of such comparisons.

"but whatever gain i had, i counted as loss for the sake of Christ. indeed, i count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. for his sake i have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that i may gain Christ" phil 3:7-8

losing words, one can only cling to and wrap oneself with words from everywhere else. words that sustain, words that revive, words that bring peace to an unquiet soul.

"where else have we to go
when you alone have words of eternal life."

"Oh! would to God I may be enabled to feel enough sustained by an occasional, amicable intercourse, rare, brief, unengrossing and tranquil: quite tranquil!"


would to God i may be tranquil.


i would draw a donut and
thread it through. and
wear it round my neck.
i would come this close,
i would, to wearing
the heart on the sleeve.
except that none would know
what the donut means.