pick-axe me and tell me how to bring
to the surface all the stones lodged in
for i am tired of your hitting i want only to sleep
the treasures you seek i do not see
pry then but beware the veins of rage
if you strike i give no word not to break
as waves beat and wind lash, yet not at your attempts
but curl crash head back til waves collapse
and lie still again, and heavy again
trying again the fall and ebb
and still i throw them back and forth
worrying the words you laughed and said
"you are unapproachable". "you are not human".
"you look stressed even when you smile".
laughter muster, toil and trouble
burn and break and boil and bubble
why speak such why is it so
what would you of me and where should wrong thoughts go
round ring roses, twisting turn
someday the thread will burn til melting
the waves again rise, and i will let you know
that i do not know
only that it is heavy and i have not found the way
behind, ahead, or somewhere within
where dross is burned in refining fire
and mines of night blaze day
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
training in progress
"my son, do not despise the chastening of the Lord, nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him; for whom the Lord loves He chastens, and scourges every son whom He receives" Heb 12:5-6
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
if there is anything that NIE has taught me, it is that we have been and will be in training all our lives. i am thankful for the training, and thankful for God's patience and grace throughout this process.
when preparing for rinjani, i knew i had to train hard for it as it was my first. and train i did. but in all honesty, i should have started earlier, trained harder, and tackled it with more discipline than i actually displayed. physical training was not yet part of my lifestyle but a regime newly grafted into my schedule. and that superficiality showed when the mountain came.
on the day of testing, one's work will be revealed for what it is.
if i had trained harder, the climb would have been less of a struggle and more of an appreciation. if i had made myself more fit for it, i would have been less of a burden and more of a support to my friends. and yes i could say that at least i made the effort. but halfway is not all the way, and pain not paid earlier will be exacted later.
and rinjani speaks again because of the new mountains to climb. i have begun the ascent, and have passed enough checkpoints to understand why God did certain things in the past. i have seen enough to be thankful for His chastening, and stumbled enough to be berating myself for not having trained harder. i am half-ready and half-mountain-trained, a half-baked half-past-six girl climbing and stumbling and crying in recognition of her weaknesses. like rinjani, there is no turning back. there is only a new challenge to face every day, waiting for companionship each night, and God-dependence all the way.
i plead for grace. and tractability under Your training.
"now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Heb 12:11
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